Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
