I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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