all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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