I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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