my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
