And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner