I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!