I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi