Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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