I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
