Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
