I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
