just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Shame is for Republicans.
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