i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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