I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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