Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
