NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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