Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
