I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
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For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
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Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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