I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize