Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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