I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
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this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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