just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
