I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
