Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
