How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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