someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
