LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
where are my eyebrows?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
