no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
