got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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