I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You made out with two different species that night
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
