I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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