I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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