im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
