he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
