coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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