Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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