Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I am one with the molecules
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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