and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
