I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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