ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
