I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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