My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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