why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
