Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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