my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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