My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
