I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So many bounce houses so little time
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
