My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize