I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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