I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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