I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
