apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He has the fingertips of a God
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