My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
