I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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