I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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